In the past year, I withdrew from small group fellowship. I did not want to ask my questions to the Lord in the presence of others who may stumble. I needed the freedom to ask as much as I needed to. I did not want to be asked every now and then for a state-of-the-nation update of my fluid situation. I regressed to spiritual childhood as I did not take my pruning and refining processes with the mind of Christ. I wasn’t a good sport about being called to understand and behave like God’s daughter. The time when I kept trying to follow God, sacrificially loving and obeying, I thought I was doing it for Him. When crisis came, I minded very much and realized I was doing it for my sake, to get the benefits and promises of God. I confess these among other questions, “Why do you keep refining me? What about them?” And I hear the reply: John 21:22 Jesus answered, “... what is that to you? You must follow me.”

I did not focus on the Giver. In my finite human perspective, I was thinking of what was in it for me. My focus was myself and my circumstances and not where it should have been: Jesus Only He sees everything from beginning to end, from inside out, from top to bottom. Only He knows what is best. I need to remember His constant faithfulness from among countless occasions, the time when He brought me forth safely from my mother’s womb (Psalm 71:6), when I was surrounded by abortion herbs. Year after year, time after time, He saved me, overrode my capacity and give favor to me, heard my prayers, answered my very questions with specific answers even in my undeserving position, a mere dust-bound vapor who fails Him every now and then. His grace and love pursue me.

I should have trusted Him enough to keep on keeping on even in the worst crisis of my life, to get to that point where Daniel was in Daniel 3:18, convinced that he can trust God. He remained steadfast in his walk and trust in God; he was willing to give up everything except God, even if He should choose not to save him. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”

Lord, everyday I realize more and more that I am helpless and hopeless without You. You need to help me to trust You fully today. Help me to focus on Your character and not my circumstances. My circumstances are ever changing but Your character does not. Enable me to remember that great is Your faithfulness. Your mercies are new every morning. (Lam 3:23) You are not man that You should lie or change Your mind. Do you speak and then not act, promise and not fulfill? (Num 23:19). I praise You for what You are doing even though I do not see it. I know that in all things You work for the good of those who love you and are called according to Your purpose (Rom 8:28). Though the enemy intends to harm me, You intend it for good (Gen 50:20) and even as I wait on You, I know that You have plans to prosper and not harm me, to give me hope and a future (Jer 29:11). Thank You for discomforts and trials that remind me that I am not yet home, that I should not love this world for my goal is not to be a permanent happy fixture on earth but to do here what You have called me to do and long for the time when I can be with You in my true home: Yours.