As you look through the list of what to look for, you may also see what things you need to work on in yourself. This could be the list that the person you are interested in is measuring you by.
The best thing to consider when you are looking for the Right Person is what you can do to be the Right Person.
The good news is that when you discover issues within yourself, when you journey on knowing and growing in the Word and apply it to your life, God causes inner healing of wounds (that may have been inflicted by others or yourself but)… He can restore you to wholeness and readiness for lasting love.
Called by Newsweek among “15 People Who Make America Great,” Pastor Rick celebrated his 39th wedding anniversary with his wife, Kay. He has counseled thousands of married couples in trouble as well as thousands of single adults who were considering marriage at Saddleback Church in Lake Forest California, the fifth largest church in the United States.
“Just because you love someone doesn’t mean you should marry them… God gives you a description of the kind of person He desires for you to marry… If you want God’s blessing, protection, and success in your marriage, listen to…[this]… because the evidence of not following what God says to do is… all around us,” says Pastor Rick Warren in the video below entitled “Finding the Love of Your Life.”
“A bad marriage is a thousand times worse than all the downsides of staying single the rest of your life.“
If you take 5,000 married couples and ask them if they were able to change their spouse according to their terms after they got married, guess what the survey will say?
“If the change doesn’t happen before the marriage… that’s when the leverage is on,” Pastor Rick stated. He cited the survey by Marriage Magazine that one in 2.5 marriages ends in divorce but when a couple is spiritually unified, and they do three [spiritual] habits together, the divorce rate drops to one out of every 1,105 marriages ending in divorce.
Note: “If you are already married, love your spouse and pray they find Christ.” For Pastor Rick’s teaching on How to resolve conflict and restore relationship, please click HERE; How to Make a Marriage Work, please click HERE.
The list below is for Singles. Pastor Rick talked about the minimum requirements of what to look for in a mate.
MINIMUM REQUIREMENT CRITERIA FOR THE MARRIAGE THAT GOD BLESSES:
1. Do you have Spiritual Unity -You believe the same thing about God; you have a relationship to God [individually and] together. [Otherwise], you will not enjoy the depth of ultimate physical, sexual, emotional intimacy that God desires for your marriage. Your relationship to God should be the most important part of your life [individually]. If you can’t share that with your spouse, you are living on different wavelengths and your marriage will be shallow… If you want God’s blessing, protection, and success in your marriage, He has to be at the center of it… It takes more than a man and a woman to make a marriage work. Marriage was God’s idea. So was sex, intimacy… 2 Cor 6:14-15 Stop forming inappropriate relationships with unbelievers. Can right and wrong be partners? Can light have anything in common with darkness?
2. Do you have Life Purpose Compatibility – You are headed in the right direction for the same reason and purpose in life. Amos 3:3 Can two people walk together unless they agree? The implication for this is you can not marry until you know the purpose for your life and you know why God put you on this earth. He shaped you (Eph 2:10); He gifted you (1 Pet 4:10) you must be faithful to use and develop; He called you (Heb 3:1a).
3. Is the person Emotionally Healthy – Not emotionally perfect but emotionally healthy. We are all broken. You’re going to marry a sinner; she’ll marry a bigger one. Two imperfect people can not make a perfect relationship (Rom 3:23). Eighty per cent of divorces are caused by one (or both) partner(s) being emotionally unhealthy, immature.
Partial Checklist of Emotional Factors:
a) No uncontrolled anger. (Prov 22:24) Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man. Do not associate with one easily angered. Uncontrolled anger reveals deep insecurity. If the person doesn’t like him/herself, neither will he like you. The best time to end spouse abuse is: Don’t marry the person. At some point, they will turn the anger on you because you’re going to be the closest.
b) No addictions (Prov 23:20) Don’t associate with people who drink too much or stuff themselves with food. Food, alcohol, drugs, pornography, video games, spending money, etc.
c) No bitterness. (Heb 12:15) Make sure you all have experienced the grace of God so that bitterness doesn’t take root and grow, because that causes much trouble and will corrupt you. Let them deal with their bitterness before they deal with you. Bitterness is like a poison that eats you alive. Whatever you resent, you begin to resemble. Instead of resent, release it. If the person is carrying resentment from his past, after marriage, that resentment will turn to you. See the kind of respect the guy gives his mom. How do they treat their parents?
d) Not selfish. (Prov 28:2) Selfish people cause trouble. Do they only talk about themselves? For a day it could be fascinating but after marriage, it wears off quickly. Number One cause of conflict in marriage is selfishness. To get rid of conflict, get rid of selfishness.
(Prov 18:1) People who do not get along with others are only interested in themselves; they will disagree with what everyone else knows is right.
e). Not greedy nor materialistic. (Prov 15:27) A greedy man brings trouble to his family. The damage greed does to marriage, love, children… you will be in debt your entire life.
f. Generous and Kind. (Prov 11:25)) A generous man will prosper; he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed.
(Prov 23:6) Don’t eat at the table of a stingy person.
(Prov 11:17) A kindhearted woman gains respect. And a kind man benefits himself, but a cruel people bring trouble on themselves.
g. Tells the truth (Prov 20:7) A righteous person lives on the basis of his integrity. His children will be blessed even after him. Love is based on trust. Trust is based on truth. If a person lies to a girlfriend/boyfriend, he will lie even more once married. Don’t marry someone with no integrity. The blessing [or curse] is not just for you but for your kids.
“Notice not one word was mentioned about appearance, how sexy the person is [to be a good mate]. Our culture teaches the exact opposite of what the bible teaches. Our culture teaches you that the Number One thing you need in marriage is sexy… good-looking. Our entire society is built on the idea that you marry somebody beautiful/ attractive … that marriage will be great and you will be happy. If that were true, the marriages that would last the longest would be Hollywood marriages… Do the best looking people have the best marriages? It has zero to do with the success of your marriage. You’re not gonna stay sexy forever… unless you’re me [Pastor Rick jokes].
WRONG REASONS TO MARRY [that led to marriages, one in 2.5 of which ended in divorce.]:
- romantic feelings
- sexual attraction
- fear of loneliness
- feeling noticed
- wanting to be loved
- share a lot in common
- having fun
Someone pays you a little attention and you think, ‘I should marry this person.’ No. [Go through the list of Minimum Requirement Criteria]. Don’t prolong a relationship that you know is going nowhere. If you know it’s going nowhere, end it. Even if no one will take you out on Friday night. A bad marriage is a thousand times worse than being single all your life. The longer you are in relationship, the more difficult it will be to get out of it.
SUGGESTIONS FOR DATING[to help you figure out quickly if the person is the right one]:
1.Spend more time talking (than watching movie) [so you will know the person.]
Prov 6:2-4 If you have trapped yourself in an agreement and you’re caught by what you said—quick, get out of it immediately! Swallow your pride; go and get your name released. Don’t put it off! Do it now! Don’t rest until you do!
Prov 28:23 In the end, people appreciate frankness more than flattery.
2. Begin a relationship with God in your life.
3. Commit yourselves to God’s standard. Do not let oceans of emotion sway you into making stupid decisions. Don’t fall in love with the idea of falling in love.
4. Don’t date until your own emotional hurts are healed. Get them settled. [Saddleback Church and other Christ-honoring Bible-believing churches can help you.]
5. Get rid of the bitterness.
6. If you have an anger problem, fine; you can get rid of an anger problem. Don’t carry that with you.
Marriage does not create problems. It reveals them. – Rick Warren
The problem was already there in you or your boy/girlfriend. The more you can deal with it before you get married, the happier, more fulfilling… it’s gonna be and you will have that deep soul intimacy that is personal, relational, sexual, spiritual—the oneness that comes with being unified with God, our purpose, calling, relationship to each other.
Get involved in a church. You’re not gonna find what you want at home or in a singles bar. Find out all you can about their family background. Once you’ve decided to get married, get premarital counseling.
For the PDF Version of the handouts of this talk: Please click HERE.